OK so far in this "Blog Series" we've discussed the importance of communication in a marriage as it pertains to your sex-life and then last week the importance of serving one another in our marriages was the topic. So lets say we do that. Let's say we learn to open up with our spouse about our sexuality. We begin to have an open and honest discourse with one another about our needs. We get more and more comfortable with one another and then begin opening up about our sexual desires and fantasies with our spouses. And, more importantly, we also listen to them. We hear them out out and the communication begins to flow both ways between us. We begin to see each other's sexuality as a gift not only for them but for us. We find greater and greater fulfillment in our marriage and sex-life as we learn to step outside of our comfort zones in the bed room. We are another step closer to being "naked and feeling no shame" with each other. It's a beautiful awareness isn't it? To be able to trust someone else so intimately and know they trust you as well. But we also trust other people don't we. We have friends that have earned our trust. What happens when the trust in those relationships crosses into our sexual relationship with our spouse?
As you may be able to imagine, I'm a pretty open guy. I'm not a big fan of having personal secrets. I think it's easier to maintain integrity if I keep no secrets about myself, (emphasis on "about myself" as i hold the confidentiality I take with others very seriously). Because of this personality trait, it is easy for me to be open about pretty much every part of my life. this includes my sex-life. I have good friends who i feel at ease discussing certain intimate things with because (1) I have that type of personality, and (2) they have earned my trust. My wife is at the very top of this list. But even though I share EVERYTHING with my wife, even though there is nothing that goes on in my heart, mind and soul that I would hold back from her, there are things that she'll just never understand. Not because she won't try, but simply because she CAN'T. Likewise, there are things within her that I'll never be able to understand. This is where those friends come in.
We trust our close friends don't we? We feel like we can tell them anything and they'll get it. they can relate on some level so they understand where we're coming from. Sometimes even more so than our spouses can. Sometimes, our long-term, closest, most trusted friends seem to find their way in to our "transparency zone" easier than our spouse can. Not because our spouse doesn't want to but because that friend seems to relate easier. So what happens when sex crosses over into that "transparency zone"? It often does. We often feel so comfortable with our friends that our sex-life finds it's way into our conversations. Is that OK?
I'm a true believer that we should have people in our lives that we can bounce things off of. People who can be a sounding board for us. People who will listen. But we must also be sensitive to our spouse when it comes to discussing our sex-life with others. Our first responsibility is to our husband or wife, not to our own "need" to vent. I think if you're going to discuss your sex-life with others, there should be an understanding with your spouse. I shouldn't discuss anything with someone else that I couldn't discuss with Krissy. She should ALWAYS be my first sounding board. But if she doesn't know about something that's going on in my head about our sex-life then no one else has any business knowing either. She should also know that I am discussing it with others. I shouldn't hide it in any way. And finally she should also have veto authority. She should be able to tell me that she would rather me NOT discuss certain things with people outside our marriage. But she has responsibilities too.
As a husband or wife, we MUST understand our spouses need for a sounding board. We must be open to the truth that most of us need someone else who can relate on a level that our spouse simply can't relate. (Once again, this usually caused by gender differences) Before I use my "veto authority" I must be aware that my wife needs to have conversations with people who can relate to her. i can not simply plug my ears and refuse to let her discuss SOME intimate things with her closest, most trusted friends. I have to trust her. I have to trust that she has already shared with me the things she is sharing with them. I have to trust that protecting our marriage is on the forefront of her mind even when she is talking to others. Because I want her to trust me too. I want her to trust that I'm NOT having a sexual "one up" conversation with my friends where we simply talk about all the things that go on in our bedroom like we're bragging. I want her to trust that i know certain things aren't appropriate to share. And when all is said and done i have to believe that my relationship with her will only end up be stronger, richer and filled with more trust and intimacy than it was before.
I know there are those who will disagree with me on this. There are those that believe that discussions about your sex-life should be kept between a married couple only. I respect your view with deep sincerity and I would love to hear your thoughts. I am working through many of life's big questions as i go and have learned, quite definitively, that I could be wrong. So let's open the discussion. What do you think? What are your opinions about this? And if you feel so bold, what do you and your spouse agree upon in discussing your sex-life with others? I'm learning and would love to learn from you.
2 comments:
My best friend and I vowed to never discuss the intimate details of our sex lives after we got married--we had a friend who offered up too much information too regularly, and we saw how it damaged the relationship between her and her spouse.
However, as my friend and I have both been married for several years, we found that sometimes we had questions or thoughts that we needed to ask another woman--things that were completely dealing with female sexuality or things that we needed to bounce off someone else that wasn't a spouse. That's when having a best friend who you implicitly trust comes in. I think it is important to be able to discuss some things (as long as it isn't to diminish or brag about your spouse), especially between Christian women (who may or may not have had previous experience or expectations before marriage). What's important is the nature of the discussion--is it truly for information or real discussion...or is it venting or pumping someone for information that is not healthy or gossiping? These are fine lines for women, but I think that keeping your spouse in the back of your mind and asking yourself if he would be disappointed in the way you are talking is the best way to gauge your behavior.
Julie, your example is exactly what I'm talking about here! Protecting you marriage and spouse must ALWAYS come first when decided to discuss your sex life with someone outside of the marriage. You said you should keep your spouse on the back of your mind, I'll take it a step further and say they should be kept on the FRONT of your mind. It's OK to have a soundingboard. It's OK to discuss certain aspects of your married with someone close to you. But we must ALWAYS remember that our husband or wife is our PRIMARY relationship and we must protect THAT covenant before all others. Thank you for your comment! Once again, your insight is appreciated.
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