-Sex Blog Part 4: Dirty Secrets-

OK so we've covered some topics about sex as it relates to married people and having an open, honest relationship. We've talked about how God may have made us so different sexually in order to get us to talk to our spouses in a deeply honest way about the most intimate topics of life; thus making it easier for us to communicate with them about other issues when they arise. For example, if I am comfortable sharing my deepest sexual thoughts with Krissy, then talking to her about how we spend our money or how we're going to raise our children will probably be pretty easy in comparison. (By the way sex, money and kids are the top three subjects married couples argue about.) I'd like to use this communication idea as a springboard to this weeks post. If you're not married, this type of deep intimate communication is not necessary.

Too often when we talk about sex before marriage in a "Christian" setting we simply discuss that the Bible says we shouldn't have sex until we're married. And while this point is absolutely true, we're simply not doing the Bible, or God any justice by limiting our reasoning to that and that alone. I'm a big fan of asking and talking about "the whys." It isn't enough to say that God wants us to remain sexually pure until we're married. We have to discuss WHY God says that. What purpose could it have? If God made us sexual beings and gave us sexual desires, then why would He also tell us to quench those desires?

Well first, I'd like to go back to the original point. The type of deep, deep intimacy that sex brings really doesn't make a whole lot of sense outside of a marriage. If I'm 15, what business do I have sharing my deepest thoughts and most intimate feelings with another teen-ager who really isn't equipped to understand them and probably doesn't really care anyway? The intimacy of sex was created to share with a single person because your marriage relationship is supposed to be the most intimate relationship you EVER have. I am proud that there is something between Krissy and I that we have only shared with one another. There isn't another human being alive who could possible say that one day, they were just as close to Krissy as I am today or just as close to me as Krissy is today. Because they have NEVER shared that most intimate of acts, sex. And because of this truth, our marriage is stronger than most other marriages out there.

Another reason I think God asks us to keep sex off the table until we're married is because God is also a very practical God. If you simply stop and think about it, you'll see that saving sex until you're married just makes more sense. Unlike several friends, I've never had to worry about getting herpes, crabs or even aids. I've never had to concern myself with telling my parents that I got some girl pregnant. And I've never had to worry about finding some form of birth control and feeling all awkward about it. Just think of all the crime, disease, and conflict that comes from sex. Would there be an issue of prostitution or young girls being sold as sex slaves if EVERYONE decided to wait until they were married? Would HIV and any other STDs be as big an issue, (if an issue at all), if EVERYONE decided to wait? Would abortion be such an issue if over 90% of "unwanted pregnancies" were eliminated because EVERYONE decided to wait? I mean, look at history. Wars have been fought over sex. Imagine a world without all the pain, suffering, and heartache that sex is able to cause. It would be possible if everyone would simply see the practicality of waiting until you're married to have sex, (and remaining faithful to your spouse of course).

Finally, I think God asks us to remain sexually pure until marriage to help teach us self-control. We do not live in a culture that puts a lot of weight on self-control and moderation. We are living in a time that is a very, "do whatever you want but don't hurt anyone else" time. I like the idea of "not hurting anyone else" but is it very difficult to combine it with the "do whatever you want." If I do whatever I want, someone else is bound to get hurt. If a guy sleeps with some girl because he wants to he is potentially hurting her even if SHE wants to as well. What if she gets pregnant? What if he has an STD and doesn't know it? "She wanted it too!" is no excuse for a lack of self-control. We need to learn to be the master of our hormones instead of letting them master us. We need to learn to let our self-worth comes from the fact that God thinks we're worth dying for rather than doing what it takes to get the approval of some guy or girl. Ladies, stop using sex to get love. Guys, stop using love to get sex. You're both just cheapening yourselves and are worth so much more. Control your desires, don't let them control you. Then there will be no secrets to keep and no shame to feel. But that's just my opinion.

-Sex Blog Part 3: Dirty Talk-

OK so far in this "Blog Series" we've discussed the importance of communication in a marriage as it pertains to your sex-life and then last week the importance of serving one another in our marriages was the topic. So lets say we do that. Let's say we learn to open up with our spouse about our sexuality. We begin to have an open and honest discourse with one another about our needs. We get more and more comfortable with one another and then begin opening up about our sexual desires and fantasies with our spouses. And, more importantly, we also listen to them. We hear them out out and the communication begins to flow both ways between us. We begin to see each other's sexuality as a gift not only for them but for us. We find greater and greater fulfillment in our marriage and sex-life as we learn to step outside of our comfort zones in the bed room. We are another step closer to being "naked and feeling no shame" with each other. It's a beautiful awareness isn't it? To be able to trust someone else so intimately and know they trust you as well. But we also trust other people don't we. We have friends that have earned our trust. What happens when the trust in those relationships crosses into our sexual relationship with our spouse?

As you may be able to imagine, I'm a pretty open guy. I'm not a big fan of having personal secrets. I think it's easier to maintain integrity if I keep no secrets about myself, (emphasis on "about myself" as i hold the confidentiality I take with others very seriously). Because of this personality trait, it is easy for me to be open about pretty much every part of my life. this includes my sex-life. I have good friends who i feel at ease discussing certain intimate things with because (1) I have that type of personality, and (2) they have earned my trust. My wife is at the very top of this list. But even though I share EVERYTHING with my wife, even though there is nothing that goes on in my heart, mind and soul that I would hold back from her, there are things that she'll just never understand. Not because she won't try, but simply because she CAN'T. Likewise, there are things within her that I'll never be able to understand. This is where those friends come in.

We trust our close friends don't we? We feel like we can tell them anything and they'll get it. they can relate on some level so they understand where we're coming from. Sometimes even more so than our spouses can. Sometimes, our long-term, closest, most trusted friends seem to find their way in to our "transparency zone" easier than our spouse can. Not because our spouse doesn't want to but because that friend seems to relate easier. So what happens when sex crosses over into that "transparency zone"? It often does. We often feel so comfortable with our friends that our sex-life finds it's way into our conversations. Is that OK?

I'm a true believer that we should have people in our lives that we can bounce things off of. People who can be a sounding board for us. People who will listen. But we must also be sensitive to our spouse when it comes to discussing our sex-life with others. Our first responsibility is to our husband or wife, not to our own "need" to vent. I think if you're going to discuss your sex-life with others, there should be an understanding with your spouse. I shouldn't discuss anything with someone else that I couldn't discuss with Krissy. She should ALWAYS be my first sounding board. But if she doesn't know about something that's going on in my head about our sex-life then no one else has any business knowing either. She should also know that I am discussing it with others. I shouldn't hide it in any way. And finally she should also have veto authority. She should be able to tell me that she would rather me NOT discuss certain things with people outside our marriage. But she has responsibilities too.

As a husband or wife, we MUST understand our spouses need for a sounding board. We must be open to the truth that most of us need someone else who can relate on a level that our spouse simply can't relate. (Once again, this usually caused by gender differences) Before I use my "veto authority" I must be aware that my wife needs to have conversations with people who can relate to her. i can not simply plug my ears and refuse to let her discuss SOME intimate things with her closest, most trusted friends. I have to trust her. I have to trust that she has already shared with me the things she is sharing with them. I have to trust that protecting our marriage is on the forefront of her mind even when she is talking to others. Because I want her to trust me too. I want her to trust that I'm NOT having a sexual "one up" conversation with my friends where we simply talk about all the things that go on in our bedroom like we're bragging. I want her to trust that i know certain things aren't appropriate to share. And when all is said and done i have to believe that my relationship with her will only end up be stronger, richer and filled with more trust and intimacy than it was before.

I know there are those who will disagree with me on this. There are those that believe that discussions about your sex-life should be kept between a married couple only. I respect your view with deep sincerity and I would love to hear your thoughts. I am working through many of life's big questions as i go and have learned, quite definitively, that I could be wrong. So let's open the discussion. What do you think? What are your opinions about this? And if you feel so bold, what do you and your spouse agree upon in discussing your sex-life with others? I'm learning and would love to learn from you.

-Sex Blog Part 2: Dirty Sex-

As we continue our discussion about sex in this weeks blog, I feel I should throw out a disclaimer. Many of you actually know me personally so I felt that it was important, for my wife's sake, to make something very clear. Please do not read these posts and presume anything about what does or doesn't go on in our bedroom. While ALL of my blogs are derived from personal thoughts and sometimes experiences, it doesn't mean that it is safe to make assumptions about my wife and I in this respect. These blogs are simply an exploration of certain aspects of sex and not a peek into the private life of John and Krissy. They speak of sex and sexuality in general terms and not about my specific experiences or my personal sex-life. These are simply my opinions and I am working them out even as I write them. To be quite honest, Krissy may not even see eye to eye with me on all of these...yet. That being said, lets get started with this weeks topic.

Last week we discussed the idea that in a marriage, it is very likely that each spouse will have different sexual needs to be fulfilled within the marriage. We talked about the potential reason for this being that God created us with different sexual needs in order to encourage us to open up and talk with our spouse about the most intimate parts of life, thus driving us closer together. Once again, a beautiful, wonderful idea. But what happens when we do that? What happens when we begin opening up to one another and expressing not just our needs, but also our desires, our fantasies? This can be scary for both people but, once again, it will drive us toward a greater degree of trust in our marriages. But what might these conversations look like?

Well, in many cases you may find out things you never knew about your husband or wife. That he or she may want to try this or do that, in your mind, may seem strange or at least unconventional. Once again often times this is the man expressing a desire to try something his wife may not be 100% comfortable with. This is especially true in a Christian marriage because sex is not often discussed in Christian homes, (a very dangerous truth). This usually leaves a devout Christian girl with the impression that sex should only be done certain ways at certain times. This is poison to a marriage.

Please understand that our culture makes it more and more difficult to remain sexually pure for your future spouse. But when someone is able to do that, they make it all the way until marriage they're going to have certain expectations. Imagine a man who, despite all the temptation, keeps his virginity as a gift to his wife. He gets married and thus begins his life of being sexually active. But then a year or so into it, he's bored. Sex has become predictable and because of her "Christian" upbringing she seems unwilling to do much more than sex in a few different positions once or twice a week. The man may feel cheated after having waited until marriage. That is why certain attitudes toward sex are poison to a marriage.

But lets say this same man begins talking to his wife about his sexual desires and she doesn't dismiss them right away. She doesn't commit to them either but at least she gives them a hearing. She may find that what he's asking for isn't so bad after all especially after giving it a shot. Like any other part of life, if we want our sex-life to be better then we must be willing to step outside of our comfort zone. In my opinion, I think if your spouse wants to try something sexually and it is isn't potentially harmful, all of us should be willing to try it. And not just once, at least three times because it'll take that many times before you get used to it and can relax. I think that if after three attempts one of you is still not at all comfortable with it, then they have veto authority under the ability to honestly say, "I tried." We need to get it out of our heads that sex is dirty because it's simply not.

God made us sexual beings and so our sexuality is good. This doesn't mean a woman should be willing to bring another woman in to her marital bed to fulfill some unhealthy fantasy of her husband's. But what I'm trying to say is that there is no such thing as dirty sex when it's between a married couple. What they do in the confines of their marriage bed is between them and they should feel the freedom to explore their sexual desires with one another. It's OK to wear this outfit or that costume, or try this position or that technique. It's NOT dirty! It's trying to be whatever your husband or your wife needs you to be. It's about serving and being served in a beautiful, exclusive, sexual relationship. It's about fulfilling the needs and desires of the person you love most in the world if for no other reason than to make him or her happy and about having them fulfill your needs and desires as well. Life is too short. Let go of your inhibitions in your marriage bed because unless you do, you will never be able to be "naked and feel no shame" with your husband or wife. And that is the true blessing of marriage.

-Sex Blog Part 1: Dirty Words-

Sex is an interesting topic. When I say it's interesting I'm not just referring to the appeal of discussing of sex and sexuality. I'm referring to the different reactions people have to the topic itself. Especially within the Christian population. It was such a taboo subject within the church for so long that even today, when we're able to talk about more freely than in any time in history, we still feel awkward or even "dirty" discussing sex. This is tragic for a number of reasons. So for the next few weeks I will be devoting my blog to the frank discussion of sex and sexuality. I hope to be concise and blunt yet respectful in the process and I hope and pray that anyone reading this will join the discussion even if you have only a quick thought.

Usually when Christians are talking about sex we are pretty much discussing the importance of waiting until you are married. Now, I want to make it clear that I whole-heartedly support the idea that it is better and more productive for you if you save your virginity as a gift for your future husband or wife. But I don't want to make my first "sex blog" about a topic that we have discussed into the ground already. I'll cover that in another blog. The main reason is that most of act like if you jut wait until you're married to have sex then everything will be all "fireworks and grins" for the rest of your life. But this couldn't be further from reality. We need to be able to discuss the issues that follow.

Even if you manage to wait until your married before jumping in the sack with someone you must be aware that sex is a very deeply profound and unique experience. Because of this is has the potential to cause great strife between a couple. Much of this comes from our preconceptions of what (1) sex is supposed to be like and (2) what role our spouse is supposed to play. I believe God designed sex to be a very unique and personal experience for a man and his wife and therefore the landscape of their particular sex-life will also be unique and personal. Your sex-life will be different than mine. What you do and how you do it will be different then what I do and how I do it. This means we must resist the urge to compare our sex-life with other people's. The grass is ALWAYS greener, especially for guys. One of your friends is always going to be having hotter, freakier sex than you are and doing it much more often. Resist the urge to take his or her stories home and try to impose them on your spouse because it can cause serious discomfort and embarrassment in a relationship where you are supposed to be the most comfortable. Besides, your friend is probably lying about his or her sex-life anyway.

Another major issue that will likely arise in EVERY marriage is about the sexual needs of BOTH people being met. Inevitably, one person will want to have sex more frequently than the other, (usually the man). This is unbelievably normal but there is no real "solution" I can speak of that will work for everybody. Our sex-drives are different and that, as they say, is that. The only thing I can really tell you to do is to try everything you can to understand. Ladies, read about a man's reaction to sex (or lack of it) physically and psychologically. Try to understand that a man's desire for sex goes well beyond simply "wanting" to orgasm but it is actually a biochemical need. Men try to understand that a woman views sex on a much deeper level then you do. The intimacy involved for goes well beyond a simple physical activity. You have to remember the physics of sex. For a woman, the act is LITERALLY internal in every sense of the word. Sex for a woman happens on the inside emotionally, physically and even spiritually and the connecting is very intense. This is why most women like to cuddle after sex. They FELL close to you so they want to BE close to you.

So, why would God make us so different? Why would he give us different needs when it comes to how often, and even specific activities we prefer? What was God thinking when He made us so different when comes to something so important like sex? I think one of the reasons was to make us talk. I think God made us so different when it comes to our sexual needs so that a husband and a wife would need to learn how to discuss them most intimate things of life. God is strong-arming us into being closer to our spouses then we are to anyone else. He pushing us toward having a relationship where we can be "naked and feel no shame" with one another the way Adam and Eve did. Not just physically naked but emotionally, spiritually and mentally naked. In making us sexually different God is find a way to drive us together. He is using something that separates us to bring us together. What a beautiful, wonderful idea.

-What Is The Bible?-

The Bible remains an extremely compelling collection of books. Even though the MOST RECENT part of it was written nearly two-thousand years ago, the Bible still strikes a chord in the deepest parts of our hearts in a way that Shakespeare, Whitman, Lewis, and Homer, (despite being amazing writers in there own right), could only dream of doing. Christians believe that this phenomenon occurs because the Bible is "divinely inspired," but many Christian scholars have differing opinions on what "divinely inspired" even means. Then there are the ways many preachers and teachers have come to describe the Bible. Can I just say that I HATE when we try to label the Bible? It drives me nuts. Once again we try to take something God has given us and define it with neat corners and edges. But when we try to put those neat, clean edges on something God has done we limit it to what our perception of that object is. Let me give you a few examples that drive me the furthest up the wall:

"The Bible is Our Instruction Manual for Life": Have you ever bought something from Ikea? I have and it can be an interesting experience. Furnature from Ikea come with instructions for putting the item together. Sometimes these instructions are clear and at other times they are completely ambiguous. (Much like the Bible). But here's the problem with the idea that the Bible is our "instruction manual": Once I've put the item together, I throw the instruction manual away. I don't keep it. And even if I did, I would never look at it again unless there was something wrong. The Bible has to be better than this. It can't just be a book we refer to when life falls apart or we need advice. It has to be bigger than this. That is why it is described as "living and active," (see Hebrews 4:12). Besides, who ever reads an instruction manual?

"The Bible is God's Love Letter to Us": Love letter? Really? Is that what we really want to go with? I'm looking at an average size Bible right now. The text of this particular "love letter" is 1658 pages long... with small print. If some handed you a "love letter" that was 1658 pages long, what would you be thinking? EVEN if it was someone you cared deeply about. You'd think they were out of their gourd. besides that, the Bible has verses like Deuteronomy 6:15 that reads, "for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land." Jealous? Anger? Destroy? OK if the Bible is a love letter then God is an all-knowing, all-powerful creepy stalker. How scary is that? I'm sorry but "love letter" just doesn't make sense either.

So what makes the Bible so compelling? Why does it draw us out into such honesty? How is it that this ancient book can see right through us? I think it's because the Bible is ABOUT us. Sure they are a telling of someone else's story, but they're our stories too aren't they? We've been David, fighting against the odds to overcome some giant in our lives. We've been Peter struggling with a guilty conscious after we've turned our back on a close friend. We've been Mary, agonizing over the loss of someone important to us. We've been Paul wrestling with ourselves when we "do the things I don't want to do." The Bible is MY story too. I find myself in it. As if God is working in my life by showing me how He worked in the lives of others. Putting me in their place within those lines on those pages of ancient wisdom. Why is the Bible so compelling? Because it's a book about me. And it's a book about you. What part of your story is it telling today?