As we continue our discussion about sex in this weeks blog, I feel I should throw out a disclaimer. Many of you actually know me personally so I felt that it was important, for my wife's sake, to make something very clear. Please do not read these posts and presume anything about what does or doesn't go on in our bedroom. While ALL of my blogs are derived from personal thoughts and sometimes experiences, it doesn't mean that it is safe to make assumptions about my wife and I in this respect. These blogs are simply an exploration of certain aspects of sex and not a peek into the private life of John and Krissy. They speak of sex and sexuality in general terms and not about my specific experiences or my personal sex-life. These are simply my opinions and I am working them out even as I write them. To be quite honest, Krissy may not even see eye to eye with me on all of these...yet. That being said, lets get started with this weeks topic.
Last week we discussed the idea that in a marriage, it is very likely that each spouse will have different sexual needs to be fulfilled within the marriage. We talked about the potential reason for this being that God created us with different sexual needs in order to encourage us to open up and talk with our spouse about the most intimate parts of life, thus driving us closer together. Once again, a beautiful, wonderful idea. But what happens when we do that? What happens when we begin opening up to one another and expressing not just our needs, but also our desires, our fantasies? This can be scary for both people but, once again, it will drive us toward a greater degree of trust in our marriages. But what might these conversations look like?
Well, in many cases you may find out things you never knew about your husband or wife. That he or she may want to try this or do that, in your mind, may seem strange or at least unconventional. Once again often times this is the man expressing a desire to try something his wife may not be 100% comfortable with. This is especially true in a Christian marriage because sex is not often discussed in Christian homes, (a very dangerous truth). This usually leaves a devout Christian girl with the impression that sex should only be done certain ways at certain times. This is poison to a marriage.
Please understand that our culture makes it more and more difficult to remain sexually pure for your future spouse. But when someone is able to do that, they make it all the way until marriage they're going to have certain expectations. Imagine a man who, despite all the temptation, keeps his virginity as a gift to his wife. He gets married and thus begins his life of being sexually active. But then a year or so into it, he's bored. Sex has become predictable and because of her "Christian" upbringing she seems unwilling to do much more than sex in a few different positions once or twice a week. The man may feel cheated after having waited until marriage. That is why certain attitudes toward sex are poison to a marriage.
But lets say this same man begins talking to his wife about his sexual desires and she doesn't dismiss them right away. She doesn't commit to them either but at least she gives them a hearing. She may find that what he's asking for isn't so bad after all especially after giving it a shot. Like any other part of life, if we want our sex-life to be better then we must be willing to step outside of our comfort zone. In my opinion, I think if your spouse wants to try something sexually and it is isn't potentially harmful, all of us should be willing to try it. And not just once, at least three times because it'll take that many times before you get used to it and can relax. I think that if after three attempts one of you is still not at all comfortable with it, then they have veto authority under the ability to honestly say, "I tried." We need to get it out of our heads that sex is dirty because it's simply not.
God made us sexual beings and so our sexuality is good. This doesn't mean a woman should be willing to bring another woman in to her marital bed to fulfill some unhealthy fantasy of her husband's. But what I'm trying to say is that there is no such thing as dirty sex when it's between a married couple. What they do in the confines of their marriage bed is between them and they should feel the freedom to explore their sexual desires with one another. It's OK to wear this outfit or that costume, or try this position or that technique. It's NOT dirty! It's trying to be whatever your husband or your wife needs you to be. It's about serving and being served in a beautiful, exclusive, sexual relationship. It's about fulfilling the needs and desires of the person you love most in the world if for no other reason than to make him or her happy and about having them fulfill your needs and desires as well. Life is too short. Let go of your inhibitions in your marriage bed because unless you do, you will never be able to be "naked and feel no shame" with your husband or wife. And that is the true blessing of marriage.
4 comments:
Ok, On what you have said here, my husband and I both feel this way and God Bless you for speaking out as a Pastor. I pray it will help those who have been taught different. I know when I was young I worried about this very thing, but God showed me that the marriage bed was Blessed in all we do in it.
Thank you for your Teaching's
This is one of the best articles I've read that talks about sex from a religious viewpoint. You're right. Sex is not dirty (as long as neither partner is getting hurt). I love your idea of giving something a try 3 times and then if you're still not into it, then you have the right to say no, let's move on and try something else. But being open-minded is extremely important to keep things fresh and exciting (even for Christian couples). Great information and thank you for allowing me to post to your site.
I like most of what you had to say in this article--I think too often some Christians may have the wrong idea about sex because of what they think they are supposed to be doing as "good Christians" after marriage. What I would like to point out is that not all good Christian women are the "shy violets" that we are always talked about being (and you've talked about in your last two blogs). John, I like that you are addressing the husband and the fact that they need to be sensitive to their wife, especially to husbands who have shy wives. But, in my years talking to married Christian women, I have found that there are just as many women who are not shy, who enjoy sex, and wouldn't mind it if their husbands would be a little more inventive now and then. I think this assumption about a Godly woman's temperment can be damaging to good Christian women who think "what is wrong with me? I must be a bad Christian," if they aren't shy or demure. I am writing this to any Christian women who may be reading this blog--God made each one of us purposefully--and in the confines of marriage and the comfort level of our spouses, anything goes. Christian women, like secular women, have been created in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. There is no "right" or "more Christian" way to be, except to love God and our husbands and make sure that everything we do, we do it in love.
Julie, you make some fantastic points! When I use a male or female pronoun as an example in many of these posts I write from the perspective the the roles can be reversed for couples. So when i talk about a "sheltered" wife, I also am talking about a "sheltered" husband. I need to do a better job at making that clear so thank you for the observation. The whole point of this post was to relieve people from thinking they are "bad" or "less Christian" because they have sexual desires within their marriage that may be considered by many Christians to be taboo. Male or female, husband or wife, my thought is that we should explore our sexuality together with our spouses in an open and safe environment so we serve our spouse and be served by them. Thank you for your thoughts! I appreciate insights from a woman as I am writing these from the male perspective.
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