Wednesday, September 30, 2009

-Jesus Blog Part 1: "Me Too"

Sometimes I think we, as Christians, really dehumanize Jesus. I think we get so over-zealous about ensuring His place in the Trinity that we make him out to be super-human. We imagine Jesus as someone who always knew exactly what to say and what to do in any situation. we imagine Him with a certain strut or swagger about Him that exuded confidence because, we think, "He knew who He was." But I think we miss out on so much of Jesus when we do this. Now let me make it clear, I believe that Jesus is God in the flesh and i believe that He knew who He was. But the fact is that Jesus was and is a man. During His life on Earth I believe he was just as susceptible to human emotion and yes, even insecurity.

The bible tells us then when Jesus took on a human form that He became, "a little lower than the angels." (Hebrews 2) It also tells us that He was profoundly hansom or attractive that we should be drawn to Him in any way. (Isaiah 53) Jesus was a child as well. We know He grew up with human parents, had brothers and sisters and went to school. So for me, it is safe to conclude that for all intents and purposes, Jesus dealt with the same range of feelings and emotions and hurt and joy and struggle and that we do. But what convinces me most that this is true is what I hear in His voice when I read those red lettered words.

I think often times when we read the Bible we read it as a text book. It's a book that has information that we need to learn in order to improve out lives or so we know the right things to say and do so we can go to heaven when we die. This is probably due to some of the language we use. We talk about "studying" the Bible. We call it "Text." We refer to it as our "Instruction Manual for Life." Our "Study" Bibles contain "footnotes" and "glossories" and "dictionaries." We have inundated ourselves with the idea the the Bible is a very important text book. But we have forgotten that it is also a story. A narative. With history and songs and poetry and passion and agony. Lately, I have begun reading the words of Jesus like this. And I am finding a whole new side of Jesus that I wish I knew before.

Listen to this short passage; "From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve." (John 6:66-67) When I read the question Jesus asked the twelve I hear in Jesus' voice a very sad, hurt and even insecure tone. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Can you hear the angst? The anxiety? I hear in Jesus' voice a man who is desperate to be accepted because He knows what it means. A man who hopes and prays that He is saying the right words and doing the right things. A man who has just been deserted by many of His "friends" and is asking other if they are going to bail on Him too. "You don't want to leave too, do you?" It feels like a plea that they not leave Him alone. Because Jesus doesn't want to be alone.

I get like that too. I'm desperate to be accepted. I hope and pray that I say the right words and do the right things. I don't want to be alone. And I feel a little better knowing that Jesus, the SON OF GOD, felt some of the same insecurities I do. To know that that He can feel my turmoil within because He has been there. He has felt it. He knows exactly...what...I'm going through. And I find it comforting to know that Jesus can say to someone like me, "Me too, John. Me too."

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

-Letters To Myself Part 4: Dear Death-Bed John-

Dear Death-Bed John (Date: Unknown)

So you're pretty much done huh? I mean, I've always mentioned how when any of us wakes up another day it's because God isn't finished working on us or through us yet. So He must be done with you now. What's that like? Do you feel satisfied with the life you've lived? Do you feel like you can say that you have "fought the good fight"? Did the things you've done have a purpose other than self-preservation? Did you have an impact on the world around you? Because fighting the good fight takes work. Fighting the good fight takes energy. And most of all, fighting the good fight takes "goodness." I wonder how much goodness you demonstrated. We're all fighting for something during our lives. I hope you chose to fight for goodness and love and people your whole life. Because the good fight is worth fighting. And you can only fight it with good deeds and good work. Not with anger or violence or ignorance. I hope you fought the good fight, John.

I also hope you can say that you have "kept the faith." And I'm not talking about the kind of faith that just made sure you were in church every Sunday. But the kind of faith that James writes about. The kind of faith that demands action. I guess that's really the only kind of faith that there is when you think about it. Faith that doesn't inspire you to move isn't really faith at all is it? It's just a set of phrases and proverbs and religious sounding chatter that make us sound deeper and more profound than we really are. Because if we really do believe the things we say we believe then it should come pouring out of our lives. It should influence and affect every decision we make. We can't claim to be an environmentalist and drive a Hummer. Likewise we can't claim to have faith in Jesus and his teachings and still hate people. At the core of the life of Jesus is the unwavering belief that people are worth dying for. Part of me hopes that's the reason you're on your "death-bed." That you're giving you life for a person or people. Did you keep the faith, John?

Finally John, I hope that you "finished the race." I hope you didn't give up and walk off the track before you got to the finish line. The race is exhausting, I know. I'm still running it. But I have to believe that in the end, when I cross the finish line, all the effort will be worth it. The race is long true, but it's the only one worth running. And I never have to run alone. I wonder if you ever took off on your own. I know it's a long race and sometimes it seems like it would be so nice to just sit in the shade and watch the other runners. But both of us know that if we did that we would always wonder what it would feel like to cross that finish line. We weren't born to be spectators. We were born to run. So I hope you finished the race, John. I hope you know what it feels like to cross the finish line. I'd ask what it does feel like but even if i did you wouldn't be able to describe it. So if you'll excuse me John, I have a race to run. And I think I just got my second wind. See you at the finish line John.

Truly,
-John Hall (Age 31)

P.S.
No one was born to be a spectator. We were all born to run. So I hope you inspired and encouraged others to run the race with you. Because the race is easier when others are there running along side of you. I hope we cross the finish line knowing that people are running because of us.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

-Letters To Myself Part 3: Dear 40 Year Old John-

Dear 40 Year Old John, (March 30, 2018)

I wonder about you a lot. It seems sometimes that I'll never actually be where you are but I know that it's inevitable. Time always seems to move slower when you're looking forward than it does when you're looking back. So no matter how far off you "seem" to be, I know that, baring some accident that takes my life, I will, quite literally, be in your shoes. And so I wonder about you.

What are you doing? Are you still an associate level pastor? Did you make the jump to a Lead Pastor role yet? Are you even in a pastoral position at all? Have you written a book yet? There are so many things I wish you could tell me about the plans and vision I have today for my life tomorrow. Am I living a life of significance? Am I helping change the world by changing lives one at a time? Am I being the inspiration that I want to be that pushes others to make a difference too? What have I done right? I have so many insecurities about becoming you that it is overwhelming sometimes. If I could just talk to you. Listen to you. Get your advice. Sadly, I don't think it would change much would it? I'd still have all my insecurities. I'd still wonder about the man I am becoming. Even if I could talk to you, I'd still be me. And if being me isn't good enough without talking to you, then neither will it be good enough if I could. So maybe the best I can do is to take the steps now to ensure that just being me IS good enough. And maybe by the time I'm you, I'll be proud of the man I am becoming.

What kind of friend are you John? Do people trust you? And if they do, do you really deserve their trust? Do you put your own agenda aside for others? Do you make people feel loved and valued and important? Or have you given up that pursuit? I fear that a lot. That over time I'll slip back into being the critical cynic that I have fought so hard to subdue. He's always there you know. Wanting to come pouring out me and point out all of the the flaws of everyone and everything around me. But I don't want to be him. He pretends to love people but refuses to accept them for the wonderful and amazing people that they ALREADY are. I hate him. Have you overcome him? Have you finally beaten him out of existence? I hope so. Because people mean too much to be ridiculed and judged into believing they aren't good enough. But you're probably still fighting him off too. Like I said: he's always there. I hope you haven't become him again. I pray we are pushing him farther and father from us. I don't want to become him again. So I'll keep fighting for people. To love them. To accept them. To welcome them the way Jesus did and still does. And maybe, by the time I'm you, he'll be gone.

What about your family John? Are you good enough for Krissy yet? Do you deserve her yet? Probably not. Even if you have grown as much as I hope you have since you were me, you'll have a long way to go. She's always been out of your league though. You know that as well as I do. But I hope we've never stopped trying to be the man she deserves us to be. And what about your kids? Felicia turns 15 in a few months from where you are. That means boys re alive and kickin' in her life and that hormones are a daily part of life. Have you taught her to have high standards? Have you treated her in such a way that she will always expect the best from any guy that comes in her field of vision? Does she know by the way that you treat her and her mother that she should expect nothing less than someone who would lay down his life for her? Have you made her feel valuable and loved and respected? Because that's what I want for my little girl. I hope you've done your job with her. And likewise, what have you demonstrated to Ian? Have you acted like the man you hope he becomes? A man of strength and patience and love and responsibility. Have you taught him self-control? Have you given him confidence in who God has made him to be? I hope you have taken your responsibility to him seriously. And I hope you can still make them all laugh and smile and help them to love life. But there is no way for me to know what you do. So, I'll love my family in real, tangible, expressible ways now. And maybe, by the time I'm you, they will know how much they fill my life with joy.

So I guess it doesn't matter what you would say to me does it John? Because it's up to me to take the right steps and do the right things here... now... today. And then to wake up tomorrow and chose to do it again. And you simply can't help me do that. I have to do it. It's up to me to make sure that you turn out to be the man I hope you are. So today I make a promise to you John. I'll try. With everything that is in me I will try to make the choices today that will ensure you become the best man you can be. I can't promise perfection. I'll most certainly make some bad, wrong and even selfish choices. But I promise that I'll try. And maybe, just maybe, by the time I'm you, I will have begun to leave my mark upon this world. And it will be a better place because I am in it. Maybe...

Truly,
-John Hall (Age 31)

P.S.
This is the hardest, most deeply personal thing I've ever written. I hope it means as much to you as is has to me. God speed John. Never forget the man you hope to one day be and never stop trying to become him.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

-Letters To Myself Part 2: Dear 25 Year Old John-

Dear 25 Year Old John (March 30, 2003),

It doesn't seem like that long that I was you, but so much is going to happen to you over the next few years that you won't know how you managed to navigate through it all. You will mature more over the next five or so years than you did in the previous 15 combined. So buckle up and put your helmet on because life isn't the "roller coaster" it's been made out to be, it's more like the bumper cars.

You got married about a year and a half ago and that has worked out quite well for you hasn't it? But you're still learning to be unselfish aren't you? It's not easy but you're finally starting now to understand that in marriage you can't think in terms of "me" but always in terms of "we." Continue to cultivate this attitude. It will be invaluable to the success of your marriage. You've also set some good ground rules with Krissy that will serve you well for the upcoming years. The "veto" rule was good. Giving your spouse the power to tell you you're not allowed to do something and knowing that they have given you that same authority shows a tremendous amount of trust and respect. You were also wise to agree to never let an argument cause you to spend the night under different roofs. These simple things have proven to strengthen your marriage like nothing else could. You love and respect and trust Krissy and she does the same for you. This will only continue to grow over the years causing you two to become closer than you knew was possible and you will have the ability to talk about anything without fear. Ultimately, you will realize that what you were suspicious of all along is, in fact, true: she is way too good for you. Fortunately, for you, she loves you anyway.

You're also just a few months away from being a father for the first time. Now, I won't ruin it by telling you if it's a boy or a girl but I want to prepare for a few things. Holding your child for the first time is going to wreak havoc on your equilibrium. Never will you feel so important yet so insignificant at the same time. Nothing will inspire you to be the best you can possibly be like this event will. You fell in love with Krissy over time. You got to know her. You got to know about her. You interacted with her and came to appreciate her personality and uniqueness and it has grown into a deep sense of love and devotion that could never be replaced. But it happened over time. When you hold your child for the first time, all of that love an devotion is going to come crashing down on you in a matter of nanoseconds. You WILL be overwhelmed by it. But even as i type this i know my words aren't even a fraction adequate enough to prepare you. So, good luck. As for the actual birth part, you're about to see Krissy in a whole new way that will simply add to your knowledge of how amazing she is.

Professionally John, you've got a long way to go. You're still cocky and think you know it all. But an off the cuff comment from Billy Phipps is going to snap you back into focus. He won't know it when he says it because he wasn't even really talking to you or even about you; but will be a ginormous, (that word will be added to the dictionary in 2008), wake-up call and you will never forget that moment. Right now you are learning to always be learning and that is good. But in a few years a book recommendation, (once again Billy Phipps will play a major role), will altar how you see the church, the world, people, politics, ministry, and relationships. It will set you on a path of learning and growth that take you to new heights and help you combine your intellect with your spirituality. This step is a major turning point for you.

Introspectively you will really start to come into your own. You will be filled with ideas and dreams and visions for amazing things. When you don't make them all real it will be taxing for you. It will even hurt. But you will press on and find more and more creativity hiding just beneath the surface. It's there for the taking but there will be obstacles in finding it. Pride and self-centeredness will always be a struggle for you. You will have to come to terms with this or you will never be able to grow. This won't be easy for you but I hope that in the long run, growth will be more important to you than always being right. Keep learning and keep loving because if you don't there will be no reason to keep living. You're becoming a grown-up now John. It's time to put away childish things. There is more to you than your sarcastic fun-loving exterior. There is depth. There is the ability to affect people on a deeply personal and spiritual level. Dig deep John. Find it. Bring it out. Make a difference. It's up to you.

Truly,
-John Hall (age 31)

P.S.
I didn't mention your trips to the Philippines and Fiji that will shatter your life into a million pieces. You will see things that will rock your world. They will bring you to tears and to your knees. Breathe in these experiences. They will help you understand your role in this world.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

-Letters To Myself Part 1: Dear 18 Year Old John-

Dear 18 Year Old John (March 30, 1996),

First off, wipe that stupid "I know more than you do" look off your face because it makes you look like an idiot. This, "know it all" thing is really going to cause problems for you later. It's good that you have identified your gifts and calling and that you did it at a young age but you have failed to identify your shortcomings and weaknesses. This has made you believe you are better than you really are, (hence that stupid smile on your face). But what's worse than that, John, is that you tend to judge other people's weaknesses on your strengths. You expect more out of people than you yourself are willing to give. When you're a little older, you're going to wish you learned how to love people for who they are much sooner. You still struggle with this into your early 30's at least.

Humility doesn't come naturally to you, John. That means you actually have to work at it. The last thing the world needs is another arrogant pastor with a "holier than thou art" attitude and that's what you're well on your way to becoming. (Sorry, the Christian rock-star thing isn't going to work out.) John, the good news is that you have the "Love the Lord you God" part down okay, but you still struggle with the "Love your neighbor" part. But you'll learn. It will take a lot of painful introspection though. You'll come face to face with some very ugly truths about yourself that you'll have to choose whether to acknowledge or to ignore. It won't be easy.

The good news is you will get to know some amazing people and have some amazing experiences along the way. Enjoy the music thing you're doing right now. Learn all you can about it because it will play a major role in your life in the future. Meeting Pastor Chris was no accident either. You owe him more than you could ever repay. Listen and learn from him but know that you will make the mistake of trying to become just like him. Resist this. God created you to be you, not to be another Chris Sonksen. That isn't to say you shouldn't learn from him and try to take on some of his traits. It just means God wants you to be YOU.

There's other people you haven't met yet too. People like Billy Phipps who will teach you how to love people better without even knowing he's doing it. You will get so much out of knowing him that you won't even realize until years later. But that's how it is sometimes. You don't even know when you're learning. You just look back a few years later and realize who taught you this or that and often times lately the answer has been: Billy. You'll also learn a ton of things from women like Laura Sonksen, Annie Phipps, and Sonya Henry who will have had no clue how big an impact they made on you. People like Jim Hill and Steve Tiscareno will teach you about temperament and character on whole new levels and you'll make friends that will be there for you in some very difficult times.

Yes, John you have a long, long way to go at 18 years old and I can confidently say that at the age of 31, you'll still have a long, long way to go. But press forward. You have so much potential to change the world one life at a time. But potential simply means that you haven't done anything yet. Potential is like a reserve gas tank. Until you decide to use it, you'll never know how far you can go. So quit talking about all the things you are capable of doing someday and get to actually doing them. Because until you do, you just wasting oxygen. Don't WAIT for the future, MAKE the future, John. Because you've wasted too much time already.

Truly,
-John Hall (age 31)

P.S.
I could tell you about who you're going to marry, (I know that, that question consumes about 85% of your head-space right now), but if I did I would rob you of some serious emotional and personal growth. But I will tell you this; you are very, VERY happy.