Dear 40 Year Old John, (March 30, 2018)
I wonder about you a lot. It seems sometimes that I'll never actually be where you are but I know that it's inevitable. Time always seems to move slower when you're looking forward than it does when you're looking back. So no matter how far off you "seem" to be, I know that, baring some accident that takes my life, I will, quite literally, be in your shoes. And so I wonder about you.
What are you doing? Are you still an associate level pastor? Did you make the jump to a Lead Pastor role yet? Are you even in a pastoral position at all? Have you written a book yet? There are so many things I wish you could tell me about the plans and vision I have today for my life tomorrow. Am I living a life of significance? Am I helping change the world by changing lives one at a time? Am I being the inspiration that I want to be that pushes others to make a difference too? What have I done right? I have so many insecurities about becoming you that it is overwhelming sometimes. If I could just talk to you. Listen to you. Get your advice. Sadly, I don't think it would change much would it? I'd still have all my insecurities. I'd still wonder about the man I am becoming. Even if I could talk to you, I'd still be me. And if being me isn't good enough without talking to you, then neither will it be good enough if I could. So maybe the best I can do is to take the steps now to ensure that just being me IS good enough. And maybe by the time I'm you, I'll be proud of the man I am becoming.
What kind of friend are you John? Do people trust you? And if they do, do you really deserve their trust? Do you put your own agenda aside for others? Do you make people feel loved and valued and important? Or have you given up that pursuit? I fear that a lot. That over time I'll slip back into being the critical cynic that I have fought so hard to subdue. He's always there you know. Wanting to come pouring out me and point out all of the the flaws of everyone and everything around me. But I don't want to be him. He pretends to love people but refuses to accept them for the wonderful and amazing people that they ALREADY are. I hate him. Have you overcome him? Have you finally beaten him out of existence? I hope so. Because people mean too much to be ridiculed and judged into believing they aren't good enough. But you're probably still fighting him off too. Like I said: he's always there. I hope you haven't become him again. I pray we are pushing him farther and father from us. I don't want to become him again. So I'll keep fighting for people. To love them. To accept them. To welcome them the way Jesus did and still does. And maybe, by the time I'm you, he'll be gone.
What about your family John? Are you good enough for Krissy yet? Do you deserve her yet? Probably not. Even if you have grown as much as I hope you have since you were me, you'll have a long way to go. She's always been out of your league though. You know that as well as I do. But I hope we've never stopped trying to be the man she deserves us to be. And what about your kids? Felicia turns 15 in a few months from where you are. That means boys re alive and kickin' in her life and that hormones are a daily part of life. Have you taught her to have high standards? Have you treated her in such a way that she will always expect the best from any guy that comes in her field of vision? Does she know by the way that you treat her and her mother that she should expect nothing less than someone who would lay down his life for her? Have you made her feel valuable and loved and respected? Because that's what I want for my little girl. I hope you've done your job with her. And likewise, what have you demonstrated to Ian? Have you acted like the man you hope he becomes? A man of strength and patience and love and responsibility. Have you taught him self-control? Have you given him confidence in who God has made him to be? I hope you have taken your responsibility to him seriously. And I hope you can still make them all laugh and smile and help them to love life. But there is no way for me to know what you do. So, I'll love my family in real, tangible, expressible ways now. And maybe, by the time I'm you, they will know how much they fill my life with joy.
So I guess it doesn't matter what you would say to me does it John? Because it's up to me to take the right steps and do the right things here... now... today. And then to wake up tomorrow and chose to do it again. And you simply can't help me do that. I have to do it. It's up to me to make sure that you turn out to be the man I hope you are. So today I make a promise to you John. I'll try. With everything that is in me I will try to make the choices today that will ensure you become the best man you can be. I can't promise perfection. I'll most certainly make some bad, wrong and even selfish choices. But I promise that I'll try. And maybe, just maybe, by the time I'm you, I will have begun to leave my mark upon this world. And it will be a better place because I am in it. Maybe...
Truly,
-John Hall (Age 31)
P.S.
This is the hardest, most deeply personal thing I've ever written. I hope it means as much to you as is has to me. God speed John. Never forget the man you hope to one day be and never stop trying to become him.
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