-Sex Blog Part 2: Dirty Sex-

As we continue our discussion about sex in this weeks blog, I feel I should throw out a disclaimer. Many of you actually know me personally so I felt that it was important, for my wife's sake, to make something very clear. Please do not read these posts and presume anything about what does or doesn't go on in our bedroom. While ALL of my blogs are derived from personal thoughts and sometimes experiences, it doesn't mean that it is safe to make assumptions about my wife and I in this respect. These blogs are simply an exploration of certain aspects of sex and not a peek into the private life of John and Krissy. They speak of sex and sexuality in general terms and not about my specific experiences or my personal sex-life. These are simply my opinions and I am working them out even as I write them. To be quite honest, Krissy may not even see eye to eye with me on all of these...yet. That being said, lets get started with this weeks topic.

Last week we discussed the idea that in a marriage, it is very likely that each spouse will have different sexual needs to be fulfilled within the marriage. We talked about the potential reason for this being that God created us with different sexual needs in order to encourage us to open up and talk with our spouse about the most intimate parts of life, thus driving us closer together. Once again, a beautiful, wonderful idea. But what happens when we do that? What happens when we begin opening up to one another and expressing not just our needs, but also our desires, our fantasies? This can be scary for both people but, once again, it will drive us toward a greater degree of trust in our marriages. But what might these conversations look like?

Well, in many cases you may find out things you never knew about your husband or wife. That he or she may want to try this or do that, in your mind, may seem strange or at least unconventional. Once again often times this is the man expressing a desire to try something his wife may not be 100% comfortable with. This is especially true in a Christian marriage because sex is not often discussed in Christian homes, (a very dangerous truth). This usually leaves a devout Christian girl with the impression that sex should only be done certain ways at certain times. This is poison to a marriage.

Please understand that our culture makes it more and more difficult to remain sexually pure for your future spouse. But when someone is able to do that, they make it all the way until marriage they're going to have certain expectations. Imagine a man who, despite all the temptation, keeps his virginity as a gift to his wife. He gets married and thus begins his life of being sexually active. But then a year or so into it, he's bored. Sex has become predictable and because of her "Christian" upbringing she seems unwilling to do much more than sex in a few different positions once or twice a week. The man may feel cheated after having waited until marriage. That is why certain attitudes toward sex are poison to a marriage.

But lets say this same man begins talking to his wife about his sexual desires and she doesn't dismiss them right away. She doesn't commit to them either but at least she gives them a hearing. She may find that what he's asking for isn't so bad after all especially after giving it a shot. Like any other part of life, if we want our sex-life to be better then we must be willing to step outside of our comfort zone. In my opinion, I think if your spouse wants to try something sexually and it is isn't potentially harmful, all of us should be willing to try it. And not just once, at least three times because it'll take that many times before you get used to it and can relax. I think that if after three attempts one of you is still not at all comfortable with it, then they have veto authority under the ability to honestly say, "I tried." We need to get it out of our heads that sex is dirty because it's simply not.

God made us sexual beings and so our sexuality is good. This doesn't mean a woman should be willing to bring another woman in to her marital bed to fulfill some unhealthy fantasy of her husband's. But what I'm trying to say is that there is no such thing as dirty sex when it's between a married couple. What they do in the confines of their marriage bed is between them and they should feel the freedom to explore their sexual desires with one another. It's OK to wear this outfit or that costume, or try this position or that technique. It's NOT dirty! It's trying to be whatever your husband or your wife needs you to be. It's about serving and being served in a beautiful, exclusive, sexual relationship. It's about fulfilling the needs and desires of the person you love most in the world if for no other reason than to make him or her happy and about having them fulfill your needs and desires as well. Life is too short. Let go of your inhibitions in your marriage bed because unless you do, you will never be able to be "naked and feel no shame" with your husband or wife. And that is the true blessing of marriage.

-Sex Blog Part 1: Dirty Words-

Sex is an interesting topic. When I say it's interesting I'm not just referring to the appeal of discussing of sex and sexuality. I'm referring to the different reactions people have to the topic itself. Especially within the Christian population. It was such a taboo subject within the church for so long that even today, when we're able to talk about more freely than in any time in history, we still feel awkward or even "dirty" discussing sex. This is tragic for a number of reasons. So for the next few weeks I will be devoting my blog to the frank discussion of sex and sexuality. I hope to be concise and blunt yet respectful in the process and I hope and pray that anyone reading this will join the discussion even if you have only a quick thought.

Usually when Christians are talking about sex we are pretty much discussing the importance of waiting until you are married. Now, I want to make it clear that I whole-heartedly support the idea that it is better and more productive for you if you save your virginity as a gift for your future husband or wife. But I don't want to make my first "sex blog" about a topic that we have discussed into the ground already. I'll cover that in another blog. The main reason is that most of act like if you jut wait until you're married to have sex then everything will be all "fireworks and grins" for the rest of your life. But this couldn't be further from reality. We need to be able to discuss the issues that follow.

Even if you manage to wait until your married before jumping in the sack with someone you must be aware that sex is a very deeply profound and unique experience. Because of this is has the potential to cause great strife between a couple. Much of this comes from our preconceptions of what (1) sex is supposed to be like and (2) what role our spouse is supposed to play. I believe God designed sex to be a very unique and personal experience for a man and his wife and therefore the landscape of their particular sex-life will also be unique and personal. Your sex-life will be different than mine. What you do and how you do it will be different then what I do and how I do it. This means we must resist the urge to compare our sex-life with other people's. The grass is ALWAYS greener, especially for guys. One of your friends is always going to be having hotter, freakier sex than you are and doing it much more often. Resist the urge to take his or her stories home and try to impose them on your spouse because it can cause serious discomfort and embarrassment in a relationship where you are supposed to be the most comfortable. Besides, your friend is probably lying about his or her sex-life anyway.

Another major issue that will likely arise in EVERY marriage is about the sexual needs of BOTH people being met. Inevitably, one person will want to have sex more frequently than the other, (usually the man). This is unbelievably normal but there is no real "solution" I can speak of that will work for everybody. Our sex-drives are different and that, as they say, is that. The only thing I can really tell you to do is to try everything you can to understand. Ladies, read about a man's reaction to sex (or lack of it) physically and psychologically. Try to understand that a man's desire for sex goes well beyond simply "wanting" to orgasm but it is actually a biochemical need. Men try to understand that a woman views sex on a much deeper level then you do. The intimacy involved for goes well beyond a simple physical activity. You have to remember the physics of sex. For a woman, the act is LITERALLY internal in every sense of the word. Sex for a woman happens on the inside emotionally, physically and even spiritually and the connecting is very intense. This is why most women like to cuddle after sex. They FELL close to you so they want to BE close to you.

So, why would God make us so different? Why would he give us different needs when it comes to how often, and even specific activities we prefer? What was God thinking when He made us so different when comes to something so important like sex? I think one of the reasons was to make us talk. I think God made us so different when it comes to our sexual needs so that a husband and a wife would need to learn how to discuss them most intimate things of life. God is strong-arming us into being closer to our spouses then we are to anyone else. He pushing us toward having a relationship where we can be "naked and feel no shame" with one another the way Adam and Eve did. Not just physically naked but emotionally, spiritually and mentally naked. In making us sexually different God is find a way to drive us together. He is using something that separates us to bring us together. What a beautiful, wonderful idea.

-What Is The Bible?-

The Bible remains an extremely compelling collection of books. Even though the MOST RECENT part of it was written nearly two-thousand years ago, the Bible still strikes a chord in the deepest parts of our hearts in a way that Shakespeare, Whitman, Lewis, and Homer, (despite being amazing writers in there own right), could only dream of doing. Christians believe that this phenomenon occurs because the Bible is "divinely inspired," but many Christian scholars have differing opinions on what "divinely inspired" even means. Then there are the ways many preachers and teachers have come to describe the Bible. Can I just say that I HATE when we try to label the Bible? It drives me nuts. Once again we try to take something God has given us and define it with neat corners and edges. But when we try to put those neat, clean edges on something God has done we limit it to what our perception of that object is. Let me give you a few examples that drive me the furthest up the wall:

"The Bible is Our Instruction Manual for Life": Have you ever bought something from Ikea? I have and it can be an interesting experience. Furnature from Ikea come with instructions for putting the item together. Sometimes these instructions are clear and at other times they are completely ambiguous. (Much like the Bible). But here's the problem with the idea that the Bible is our "instruction manual": Once I've put the item together, I throw the instruction manual away. I don't keep it. And even if I did, I would never look at it again unless there was something wrong. The Bible has to be better than this. It can't just be a book we refer to when life falls apart or we need advice. It has to be bigger than this. That is why it is described as "living and active," (see Hebrews 4:12). Besides, who ever reads an instruction manual?

"The Bible is God's Love Letter to Us": Love letter? Really? Is that what we really want to go with? I'm looking at an average size Bible right now. The text of this particular "love letter" is 1658 pages long... with small print. If some handed you a "love letter" that was 1658 pages long, what would you be thinking? EVEN if it was someone you cared deeply about. You'd think they were out of their gourd. besides that, the Bible has verses like Deuteronomy 6:15 that reads, "for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land." Jealous? Anger? Destroy? OK if the Bible is a love letter then God is an all-knowing, all-powerful creepy stalker. How scary is that? I'm sorry but "love letter" just doesn't make sense either.

So what makes the Bible so compelling? Why does it draw us out into such honesty? How is it that this ancient book can see right through us? I think it's because the Bible is ABOUT us. Sure they are a telling of someone else's story, but they're our stories too aren't they? We've been David, fighting against the odds to overcome some giant in our lives. We've been Peter struggling with a guilty conscious after we've turned our back on a close friend. We've been Mary, agonizing over the loss of someone important to us. We've been Paul wrestling with ourselves when we "do the things I don't want to do." The Bible is MY story too. I find myself in it. As if God is working in my life by showing me how He worked in the lives of others. Putting me in their place within those lines on those pages of ancient wisdom. Why is the Bible so compelling? Because it's a book about me. And it's a book about you. What part of your story is it telling today?

-The Lakers, Stan Van Gundy, and The Church-

Well, they pulled it off. The Lakers managed to secure the franchise's 15th NBA Championship title in just five games relying on excellent play from, among others,  Pau Gasol, Derek Fisher, and Kobe Bryant and being commanded by Head Coach, Phil Jackson. This is the 10th time Phil Jackson has coached a team to the title, a new record for ANY of the four major American sports, (Basketball, Football, Baseball and Hockey).

What struck me most about this whole series however was something that Stan Van Gundy, (Head Coach for the Orlando Magic who lost the series to the Lakers), said in a post-game interview after a gut-wrenching loss in game 4. An interviewer asked him to comment on the importance of experience in a Championship series like this, alluding the the fact that several Lakers players have been in Championship contention before but none of Orlando's players had been. He responded by saying the experience had nothing to do with it. He said it was "too chiche" to say it has to do with experience and that this was simply just another basketball game.  I wonder if the fact that this was HIS first time to the NBA Championship Series had anything to do with that opinion. I also wonder if he'll be saying the same thing if he gets there again in the years to come. Something tells me that the more times he coaches a team to the Championship, the more he'll come to realize just how important experience is.

I think many young and new Christians, (especially Christian leaders and professional ministers), have the same problem as Stan Van Gundy though. Right now the Church as a whole is in the middle of a paradigm shift. New voices are starting to be heard and even sought out within the Church. This is a fantastic thing. It happens every few generations and is important to the survival and growth of Christianity. But, as it often happens, many of these "new voices" are blatantly critical of the "old voices." What an remarkable tragedy this is. It is 100% unBiblical, 100% counterproductive, and 100% ignorant. It makes absolutely no sense for someone to criticize and berate those who came before them and claim they didn't do anything right when they, themselves, would not be where they are in their faith had it not been for the very people he or she is criticizing. In other words, If yesterday's Church couldn't do anything right then their wouldn't be a Church today.

Don't get me wrong, I'm am by no means saying there is nothing to improve upon. I believe wholeheartedly that the Church has dropped the ball in many ways and hope we can pick it back up and start making the difference God calls us to make rather than the difference we think we should be making. But we have nothing to gain by pointing fingers at those who came before us. In fact, we should be honoring them and even seeking their council. At the church I am currently serving in there are many who have been loving God and loving people for longer than I have been alive. I have learned to listen when they talk. I have learned to seek out their opinion. I have learned that there is wisdom in experience. I may not follow their advice to the letter. I may not do exactly what they think I should do. Often times I will reinterpret their thoughts to meet the needs of those I mean to minister to.  But there is a wealth of knowledge and wisdom that comes from age and experience, (just read the book of Proverbs if you don't believe me), and I don't want to be like Stan Van Gundy and deny that while I lose. Because the Church losing is just a basketball game. It means people miss out on a life changing message that brings them closer to God now and forever. Please, lets reinvent the church for the emerging generations. Lets see their needs and adjust our methods without adjusting our message. But let us not forsake the experience of those that came before us. Let's take advantage of it. Let's leverage it for the betterment of our endeavors for God. Because experience is wisdom. And we could all use more of that. 

-Silencing The Stones-

For a little while now I've been putting a lot of thought and consideration into God's act of creation. And I don't just mean I've been pondering Adam and Eve's story. I've been wrestling and meditating and praying and studying and examining and really investing myself into the creation poem of Genesis. I think that there is so much in the first chapter of the bible that we either miss or simply ignore. As the poem unfolds you can feel that God is going somewhere with this whole creating the universe thing. He creates and creates and then creates things that can create. God saturates our universe with the ability to keep creating itself. To move itself from on level to the next. Because God isn't just creative, He is Creativity itself.

Finally, in His last act of creation, (that we know of), God forms man in His own image and plops us down smack-dab-in-the-middle of all this creative potential. He charges us with helping to continue in the creation of the world. To help bring order and balance and at the same time for humanity to grow and create and learn. It's like God says to man, "I made all this and it's GOOD. But I've given you the ability to take hold of it and make it even better." Now the question is: where do we fit in the grand scheme of creation?

Let's not kid ourselves, mankind is NOT the focal point of creation. I know many of us would like to believe that but it's simply not true. God did not create the universe for man. Why did He create then? Simple. For Him. Creation exists to bring glory to God. Everything that is good and right and true and beautiful in our universe has the singular purpose of crying out to it's Creator in gratitude, admiration and yes, even worship. That means that mankind, as God's most beloved and important creation, has the responsibility to do the same thing. To cry out to God in gratitude, admiration and yes, even worship. Because God is going to get His. But what happens when He doesn't get it from us?  Check this out:

"When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: "Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!" Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!" "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."

(Luke 19:37-40 TNIV)

I wonder what that looks like. I wonder what it sounds like. What does it look like when the "stones cry out"? What would we hear? Would we see the molten spews of an erupting volcano? Would we hear the rumbling of an earthquake? Would stars fall from the sky? What does it look like when the "stones cry out"? I wonder if they aren't crying out already. If we have grown so proud and so "wise" that we simply don't stand in awe and terror and wonder and admiration of the Creator of all things. If we for got how to "cry out" in utter amazement of who and what and why He is. Maybe the stones are already crying out. Because God is going to get His. He is supposed to get it from us. But if we "keep quiet, the stones will cry out." And I think it's about time we start silencing the stones.